Coca-Cola Close to Introducing Beverage that Won’t Eventually Kill You

coke pictureAtlanta, GA―Sources at an American Beverage Association conference are reporting that Coca-Cola is developing a new soft drink that won’t send you to an early grave.

While the product’s name remains veiled in secrecy, sources tell Scooped Report that the drink will use only modest amounts of natural cane sugar and be free of suspected carcinogens aspartame, saccharin and coloring additive 4-Mel (4-methlimidazole), the chemical agent that gives Coke products its warm caramel color.

Additionally, the product will be sold in bottles and cans that do not contain Bisphenol A (BPA) despite Coca-Cola’s insistence that its use of BPA in bottles and aluminum can liners “poses no public health risk”.

“We’re trying to re-brand ourselves as a happy company with a positive image,” says Marcos de Quinto, EVP and Chief Marketing Officer.  “We’re tired of making people fat and giving them cancer.  That’s not the type of company we want to be going forward.”

The new product is expected to hit the market in the first quarter of 2016.